Steam Portland is the only bathhouse still standing. It’s a very nice bathhouse, with a modern design — sliding doors on each room, an open shower area, a cold shower in the sauna, porn showing on the wall above the jacuzzi, and a big deck on the roof for sunny days and warm nights. Very European.
If only the same could be said of the customers. Too often, it’s a collection of retirement home refugees who can’t get it up but expect you to for them. The constant shuffling of feet down the hallways is anything but arousing. And the bottomless looks of desperate hunger…shudder.
Not to say a good time can’t be found, but it can take some looking. The studs generally wait for another stud to show up and show interest–which is so unlikely that it can involve making return trips before a hookup happens.
The sad geriatrics just wander around hoping against hope, or lodge themselves in the darkest corner of the dark room. At least their desperation attracts hustlers on the weekend, and they’re fun to watch as they sashay for business.
The rest of us wait to catch the eye of someone sexy and sexual. Not a sure thing at Steam Portland, but you’ll have a better chance of it on Wednesday nights, when lockers are discounted. The $7 fee seems to draw a more diverse, horny crowd. Saturday nights aren’t bad, either, but are also not reliable.
That’s it–the experience at Steam Portland is inconsistent, and too often boring, depressing or both. So, bring your patience and a sense of the absurd–you’ll be glad you did.
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